i am a slug

Ok so its been one month and 16 days and while the first month was a breeze, or so i imagined i now wake up feeling sick every morning. At least i have for the last five days. I went on vacation thinking my head would feel all sorted, with this whole i dont give a a damn attitude. And yet i find myself in remission and its a nasty ass feeling. I feel hugely vulnerable, i feel short changed and so angry with myself. I made the mistake of calling him. First in the intial phase and now again when i returned from my vacation. And i was left feeling at sea after that conversation. So completely lost and sad. Why does he make me feel the way i feel? Why dont i learn to be good to myself and give up on this nonsense. I very proudly tell the world that i am past the rehab stage but thats so much of bull crap. i see him at work looking all bright in blue and i collapse and then i hate myself for it.

In my heart and head i know whats best for me. I know i must never get back to a situation that abused my sanity and yet i am floundering and flapping. Help. I cant go on this way. I contemplated running away in all earnestness this morning coz i surely ant bear to see him in all his freshness and nonchalance as he peels off layers of my heart. I know i must not relent, i must not talk of it, i must not think too hard. But i must, oh i must be brave enough to give him the boot forever. i must.

one month

Its been one quick ride. Today makes it a month since s and i turned away from each other or rather he from me and i from me. It astonishes me that a month can pack in so much and mean so little. But i am doing well and am proud to say there is nothing that connects me to my past save moments when i panic and think of the dull sinking feeling that defines some moments of the night as i lie alone in bed.

It should have been tougher but it is not. In fact i sometime think i have been anaesthetised to the point where some part of me will always remain comatose.

And i am back to being my angry self. Part of me hating him and his ineffectuality.

Hatred is good. In measured portions it validates everything i feel.