i am a slug

Ok so its been one month and 16 days and while the first month was a breeze, or so i imagined i now wake up feeling sick every morning. At least i have for the last five days. I went on vacation thinking my head would feel all sorted, with this whole i dont give a a damn attitude. And yet i find myself in remission and its a nasty ass feeling. I feel hugely vulnerable, i feel short changed and so angry with myself. I made the mistake of calling him. First in the intial phase and now again when i returned from my vacation. And i was left feeling at sea after that conversation. So completely lost and sad. Why does he make me feel the way i feel? Why dont i learn to be good to myself and give up on this nonsense. I very proudly tell the world that i am past the rehab stage but thats so much of bull crap. i see him at work looking all bright in blue and i collapse and then i hate myself for it.

In my heart and head i know whats best for me. I know i must never get back to a situation that abused my sanity and yet i am floundering and flapping. Help. I cant go on this way. I contemplated running away in all earnestness this morning coz i surely ant bear to see him in all his freshness and nonchalance as he peels off layers of my heart. I know i must not relent, i must not talk of it, i must not think too hard. But i must, oh i must be brave enough to give him the boot forever. i must.

one month

Its been one quick ride. Today makes it a month since s and i turned away from each other or rather he from me and i from me. It astonishes me that a month can pack in so much and mean so little. But i am doing well and am proud to say there is nothing that connects me to my past save moments when i panic and think of the dull sinking feeling that defines some moments of the night as i lie alone in bed.

It should have been tougher but it is not. In fact i sometime think i have been anaesthetised to the point where some part of me will always remain comatose.

And i am back to being my angry self. Part of me hating him and his ineffectuality.

Hatred is good. In measured portions it validates everything i feel.

guinea pig

"Sometimes we must end relationships because of how powerfully unhappy we are, not with the person or the entire connection but because something fundamental and crucial cannot be resolved or shared with us. Others find that they can move through and past core differences because basic needs are met." I read this somewhere and it was my life staring me in the face. Today was a red letter day for me. Dont ask me why. It just was. And i suddenly thank god for the split. For helping me out of a situation which was doomed from the start. I learnt something today that i knew all along but simply refused to accept. I WAS the guinea pig for two years. But now i am out. I am out. I will be ok.

tc

So i thought i was fine and then i thought of today. Its Wednesday and i thought of TC and i thought of him and i went out with other people but i felt out of my depth and ran away the moment i could. What worries me is -- what if the feeling of being overwhelmed returns? And what if i go out with countless others but feel nothing but the lack of love. I worry i tell you. Today i was willing to acknowledge that i miss him a lot but not enough to break my heart again. Not really. Each day i tell myself i will speak to him tomorrow and i know that i shall be ok this way. After all its been two weeks. Put this down to nothing more than wednesday night blues. hickey.

dry-eyed me

What they say about time being the best healer is really true. I spent ten days weeping every single day, feeling cheated, lost and totally uncool. And then on the tenth day as if by magic the tears just stopped. Its been three days since i shed my last tear, friday will make it two days since i called him and i feel great. I have been spending time at home, with family. I understand the feeling of coming home to someone simply because i have had people to come back to. And it makes me feel kick ass. I dont yearn for him, dont feel overwhelmed and am ready to say screw you, i dont even miss you anymore. I also know it probably has something to do with the fact that i have not been at work so i am in control, but even when i return tomorrow i will be tough as nails, steel balls and all. I have survived the worst and from here its just a climb up.

There is so much that was wrong in my life, so much that weighed down on me but i have lived out the angst and anger and it really is what you call a clean slate.

I have survived.

week and weak

Its a week today. I shade my head from mindless self-inflicted violence. I cannot be a victim of my ciscumstances. I need to shrug off ugliness and disdain. The pain, the affliction will gradually ebb. Just when i was beginning to think that i would survive, i went downhill yesterday and wept till i felt like i was hung out to dry. This after our eyes meeting across the room for a split second, followed by gut-clenching pain.

There are many who try and be there for you as you struggle to think of where you are at. I had played it out in my head so many times, how the end would be. But i least expected it when it hit me square in the gut. I now think of what would have been our last film together.. spiderman 3 that i watched as i rested my head on his shoulder. I also think of some of the tameness and the incredible unhappiness of being.

So like i said, its been a week and i bumped into him again today. I tripped as i saw him as he asked me to be careful. My eyes smarted. I hate everyone connected to him. I hate to think he is ok. I hate to feel he does not need me. I dont need him either but i miss him. I wake up in the middle of the night thinking of him and imagine that it is an ugly imagined world.

Time off will do us good he says. I tell him to take all the time in the world. Since i was history yesterday.

At world's end: Day 5

It must be getting better. All this talk about time being the best healer has something going for it i guess. Its been 5 days and i am proud to say i am crying less. I dont dissolve into tears each time i come home and lock myself in my room. In fact yesterday i cried only four times through the day. Wowie, an achievement there i must say.

And yet yesterday was the first test for me. As i turned around to pick up something in office i saw him sitting there and it was like a physical punch in the gut. It did things to my body i did not think possible. I clenched my fists, fished out the umbrella he had left in my house the day he walked out on me and walked up to him and calmly returned it. He gave me an idiot smile. I simply turned away, walked into the loo and cried myself silly.

I start crying when someone is kind to me or when someone very gently asks.. how are you? Simple words exchanged between countless people every single day but now they mean something to me. How am i? I vaccilate. When i speak to V something automatically constricts in my throat and i begin babbling. And then after work i go for my class and feel even more wretched. The same activity that kept me rooted now sees me passive, mute. But then i go for dinner with k and have a roaring time. I do. And i tell myself there is life out there and i should stall the melodrama.

So its day 5 post the break up and there has been no going back. Perhaps because for once i understand there is nothing to go back to.