Ok so its been one month and 16 days and while the first month was a breeze, or so i imagined i now wake up feeling sick every morning. At least i have for the last five days. I went on vacation thinking my head would feel all sorted, with this whole i dont give a a damn attitude. And yet i find myself in remission and its a nasty ass feeling. I feel hugely vulnerable, i feel short changed and so angry with myself. I made the mistake of calling him. First in the intial phase and now again when i returned from my vacation. And i was left feeling at sea after that conversation. So completely lost and sad. Why does he make me feel the way i feel? Why dont i learn to be good to myself and give up on this nonsense. I very proudly tell the world that i am past the rehab stage but thats so much of bull crap. i see him at work looking all bright in blue and i collapse and then i hate myself for it.
In my heart and head i know whats best for me. I know i must never get back to a situation that abused my sanity and yet i am floundering and flapping. Help. I cant go on this way. I contemplated running away in all earnestness this morning coz i surely ant bear to see him in all his freshness and nonchalance as he peels off layers of my heart. I know i must not relent, i must not talk of it, i must not think too hard. But i must, oh i must be brave enough to give him the boot forever. i must.
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