guinea pig

"Sometimes we must end relationships because of how powerfully unhappy we are, not with the person or the entire connection but because something fundamental and crucial cannot be resolved or shared with us. Others find that they can move through and past core differences because basic needs are met." I read this somewhere and it was my life staring me in the face. Today was a red letter day for me. Dont ask me why. It just was. And i suddenly thank god for the split. For helping me out of a situation which was doomed from the start. I learnt something today that i knew all along but simply refused to accept. I WAS the guinea pig for two years. But now i am out. I am out. I will be ok.

tc

So i thought i was fine and then i thought of today. Its Wednesday and i thought of TC and i thought of him and i went out with other people but i felt out of my depth and ran away the moment i could. What worries me is -- what if the feeling of being overwhelmed returns? And what if i go out with countless others but feel nothing but the lack of love. I worry i tell you. Today i was willing to acknowledge that i miss him a lot but not enough to break my heart again. Not really. Each day i tell myself i will speak to him tomorrow and i know that i shall be ok this way. After all its been two weeks. Put this down to nothing more than wednesday night blues. hickey.

dry-eyed me

What they say about time being the best healer is really true. I spent ten days weeping every single day, feeling cheated, lost and totally uncool. And then on the tenth day as if by magic the tears just stopped. Its been three days since i shed my last tear, friday will make it two days since i called him and i feel great. I have been spending time at home, with family. I understand the feeling of coming home to someone simply because i have had people to come back to. And it makes me feel kick ass. I dont yearn for him, dont feel overwhelmed and am ready to say screw you, i dont even miss you anymore. I also know it probably has something to do with the fact that i have not been at work so i am in control, but even when i return tomorrow i will be tough as nails, steel balls and all. I have survived the worst and from here its just a climb up.

There is so much that was wrong in my life, so much that weighed down on me but i have lived out the angst and anger and it really is what you call a clean slate.

I have survived.

week and weak

Its a week today. I shade my head from mindless self-inflicted violence. I cannot be a victim of my ciscumstances. I need to shrug off ugliness and disdain. The pain, the affliction will gradually ebb. Just when i was beginning to think that i would survive, i went downhill yesterday and wept till i felt like i was hung out to dry. This after our eyes meeting across the room for a split second, followed by gut-clenching pain.

There are many who try and be there for you as you struggle to think of where you are at. I had played it out in my head so many times, how the end would be. But i least expected it when it hit me square in the gut. I now think of what would have been our last film together.. spiderman 3 that i watched as i rested my head on his shoulder. I also think of some of the tameness and the incredible unhappiness of being.

So like i said, its been a week and i bumped into him again today. I tripped as i saw him as he asked me to be careful. My eyes smarted. I hate everyone connected to him. I hate to think he is ok. I hate to feel he does not need me. I dont need him either but i miss him. I wake up in the middle of the night thinking of him and imagine that it is an ugly imagined world.

Time off will do us good he says. I tell him to take all the time in the world. Since i was history yesterday.

At world's end: Day 5

It must be getting better. All this talk about time being the best healer has something going for it i guess. Its been 5 days and i am proud to say i am crying less. I dont dissolve into tears each time i come home and lock myself in my room. In fact yesterday i cried only four times through the day. Wowie, an achievement there i must say.

And yet yesterday was the first test for me. As i turned around to pick up something in office i saw him sitting there and it was like a physical punch in the gut. It did things to my body i did not think possible. I clenched my fists, fished out the umbrella he had left in my house the day he walked out on me and walked up to him and calmly returned it. He gave me an idiot smile. I simply turned away, walked into the loo and cried myself silly.

I start crying when someone is kind to me or when someone very gently asks.. how are you? Simple words exchanged between countless people every single day but now they mean something to me. How am i? I vaccilate. When i speak to V something automatically constricts in my throat and i begin babbling. And then after work i go for my class and feel even more wretched. The same activity that kept me rooted now sees me passive, mute. But then i go for dinner with k and have a roaring time. I do. And i tell myself there is life out there and i should stall the melodrama.

So its day 5 post the break up and there has been no going back. Perhaps because for once i understand there is nothing to go back to.

day four and counting: at world's end

When one is going through a break up, every detail becomes significant, every moment remembered with clarity. And then some years later the general feeling of the anaesthetic wears off and you remember a dull throb, an ache. When i split with P four years ago this May i remember telling him that i would never feel the same way about anyone else. Perhaps i was right. I cannot expect to feel the same way. But after being cushioned, coveted and cuddled for almost four years i did not expect a bungee jump either.

Its been over two years since i met s and started dating him. A fairly harmless flirtation, a fling, and following that forlorn-ness. He was the first man i slept with and post that everything changed. The cracks were there from month six but i smiled through it all in a stupor... never quite allowing myself the luxury of believing things were wrong.

And today, 26 months later i am single again. I began the process of distancing myself a very long time ago but the final blow was recent. as they say, when you go through the motions of a zillion dress rehearsals when its time for the final act there is no stage fright. Today has been the third day of the beginning of my life. I feel a little like a heroin addict who has just kicked the habit. Two weeks of agony and then the head begins to clear. Till then i will document how i feel.

And continue to fuel my anger. Remind myself again and again how relieved i am to be out of this relationship. Happy to be alone.