Its a week today. I shade my head from mindless self-inflicted violence. I cannot be a victim of my ciscumstances. I need to shrug off ugliness and disdain. The pain, the affliction will gradually ebb. Just when i was beginning to think that i would survive, i went downhill yesterday and wept till i felt like i was hung out to dry. This after our eyes meeting across the room for a split second, followed by gut-clenching pain.
There are many who try and be there for you as you struggle to think of where you are at. I had played it out in my head so many times, how the end would be. But i least expected it when it hit me square in the gut. I now think of what would have been our last film together.. spiderman 3 that i watched as i rested my head on his shoulder. I also think of some of the tameness and the incredible unhappiness of being.
So like i said, its been a week and i bumped into him again today. I tripped as i saw him as he asked me to be careful. My eyes smarted. I hate everyone connected to him. I hate to think he is ok. I hate to feel he does not need me. I dont need him either but i miss him. I wake up in the middle of the night thinking of him and imagine that it is an ugly imagined world.
Time off will do us good he says. I tell him to take all the time in the world. Since i was history yesterday.
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