day four and counting: at world's end

When one is going through a break up, every detail becomes significant, every moment remembered with clarity. And then some years later the general feeling of the anaesthetic wears off and you remember a dull throb, an ache. When i split with P four years ago this May i remember telling him that i would never feel the same way about anyone else. Perhaps i was right. I cannot expect to feel the same way. But after being cushioned, coveted and cuddled for almost four years i did not expect a bungee jump either.

Its been over two years since i met s and started dating him. A fairly harmless flirtation, a fling, and following that forlorn-ness. He was the first man i slept with and post that everything changed. The cracks were there from month six but i smiled through it all in a stupor... never quite allowing myself the luxury of believing things were wrong.

And today, 26 months later i am single again. I began the process of distancing myself a very long time ago but the final blow was recent. as they say, when you go through the motions of a zillion dress rehearsals when its time for the final act there is no stage fright. Today has been the third day of the beginning of my life. I feel a little like a heroin addict who has just kicked the habit. Two weeks of agony and then the head begins to clear. Till then i will document how i feel.

And continue to fuel my anger. Remind myself again and again how relieved i am to be out of this relationship. Happy to be alone.